The Unraveling of the Woke Hipster Movement:
The Sanctum was dead. At least, it was to the hipsters who had founded it. The remaining customers—who were too out of touch to notice the group storming out—sat there blissfully unaware of the existential crisis unfolding around them. But the hipsters were undeterred. Their latest mission? To cancel the concept of safe spaces itself.
Ethereal Queer, visibly frustrated, stomped into the centre of the room. “We’ve been misled,” she declared, her voice trembling with righteous anger. “We thought we were doing the right thing, but we’ve become what we despise. The very act of creating safe spaces is an act of oppression. Think about it—aren’t we just perpetuating the idea that people need a space where they can be comfortable with their trauma? Isn’t that just re-enforcing the capitalist system of emotional dependence? Safe spaces are a capitalist scam!”
The other hipsters blinked. They had been conditioned to believe creating safe spaces was the pinnacle of their moral superiority. But now they were grappling with a realisation too powerful to ignore.
“I think we should cancel ‘trauma’ as a concept entirely,” said one, raising their hand as though speaking an ancient truth. “If we can stop people from being traumatised by their own emotions, then we’ve achieved ultimate freedom. Freedom from the confines of the emotional body! We should start a movement—No Trauma, No Rules.”
Ethereal Queer clutched her head, as if an epiphany had struck her. “Yes! And we can take it further. Let’s cancel the concept of emotion itself. Think about it: emotions are a form of control. Feelings were invented to make us weak. If we’re truly woke, we must eradicate emotional dependency. Why? Because we must transcend! We can live in a world where we are fully detached from every human experience and yet remain as ‘pure’ as possible—without fear, without trauma, and without feelings.”
A hipster in the back raised an eyebrow. “So... no more crying at movies?”
“No crying!” Ethereal Queer screamed. “It’s an emotional trap.”
The group nodded in solemn approval. But it didn’t stop there. One particularly zealous hipster spoke up.
“And you know what else we need to cancel?” they said, adjusting their oversized flannel and beard. “We need to cancel the idea of individuality. It’s all part of the capitalist system—this whole ‘self-expression’ thing? Just another scam to get us to buy more T-shirts with our ‘unique’ thoughts printed on them. We need to start the Group Mind Movement—no more personal opinions. No more ‘identity’! We’ll all think as one. One thought. No one person will be better than anyone else. It’s all about unity through collective consciousness.”
Ethereal Queer gave a thumbs up. “Exactly! We’ll abolish personal thoughts and individual existence. I propose we cancel personal consciousness entirely. Only the collective consciousness matters. Everyone should be the collective.”
The meeting took a dark turn as they debated which aspects of reality to “cancel” first. They discussed cancelling the very idea of existence, arguing that if everyone simply stopped existing, the problems of inequality, self-expression, and capitalism would vanish.
One hipster, whose entire identity was based on their plant-based lifestyle, suggested that they should cancel the concept of life itself.
“You see,” they said, “life is a form of consumerism. Why should we live? We should all adopt the same approach as the plants we worship—self-sufficiency and detachment.”
The group nodded slowly. They were beginning to understand. “Life is the ultimate form of emotional attachment,” said another. “By embracing detachment, we can finally achieve ultimate equality. No one will be alive, and no one will be dead. Perfect harmony.”
At this point, the café’s owner—the one who had created the Sanctum in the first place—had entered, shaking his head. “What on Earth is going on here?”
Ethereal Queer stood up triumphantly. “We’ve discovered the only way to achieve ultimate peace and justice. We cancel everything—life, individuality, emotions, even the very concept of space. There will be nothing left but a collective of pure virtue.”
The owner blinked. “So... you’re going to cancel everything, including your very existence, to make a perfect world?”
“That’s right!” they cried in unison, as though it was the most self-evident thing in the universe.
The owner sighed, rubbing his temples. “Look, I just wanted to serve some ethically sourced avocado toast. Now you're trying to cancel reality itself?”
Ethereal Queer narrowed her eyes, her voice filled with self-righteousness. “Don’t you get it? The fact that you’re even serving avocado toast is part of the problem! It’s an objectification of food. We need to cancel food too, and then maybe... maybe we can reach nirvana.”
