Relationships: The Swipe Matrimony Algorithm
Scene: A couple sits across from a holographic marriage officiant, CupidGPT3000. Their compatibility has been pre-determined by the Swipe Matrimony Algorithm, based on engagement analytics.
CupidGPT3000: “Congratulations, Amara256 and JacobMemeLord42! Your like-to-comment ratio is a perfect match: 73% sarcastic banter, 15% heart emojis, and 12% controversial gifs. You may now proceed to Step 1 of marriage: sharing your couple’s account password.”
Amara256: “Wait, what about love? Connection?”
CupidGPT3000: “Your connection is love. Metrics do not lie. Besides, a viral hashtag awaits. #SwipeSoulmates is already trending.”
JacobMemeLord42: “What happens if our engagement rate drops?”
CupidGPT3000: “You will be automatically unfollowed. Divorce will occur at the next engagement audit. Please note: Refunds are not available for unused wedding hashtags.”
Politics: Governance by Virality
Elections are replaced by a system where candidates compete for the most retweets and likes. Platforms like X (formerly Twitter) are considered sacred institutions, and campaign promises are made in 280-character threads.
Scene: A presidential debate streamed live. Each candidate is equipped with a Meme Team that churns out reaction gifs in real-time.
Moderator: “Candidate InstaPrime, your opponent’s platform has been liked 14% more than yours this quarter. How do you respond?”
InstaPrime: “I’d like to remind everyone that my latest post included a golden retriever and a rescued kitten. Who else here can claim the #PawsitiveLeadership hashtag?”
Opponent, Rep. ViralCrush69: “Your golden retriever was cancelled for cultural appropriation after wearing a sombrero during Taco Tuesday. I stand by my gif-only campaign as the purest form of governance.”
Audience: CHEERING REACT EMOJI
Behind the scenes, political scandals revolve around old tweets and poorly chosen filters. A candidate once lost their campaign because they posted brunch without tagging the restaurant, violating influencer ethics.
Religious Rituals: Worship Through Shares
Scene: A futuristic megachurch where The Algorithm is worshipped as an omnipotent force. Followers gather in pews made of recycled smart devices, holding LED prayer beads that light up in response to their latest posts.
PreacherInfluenzia: “And lo, The Algorithm giveth, and The Algorithm taketh away. Blessed are those who trend, for they shall inherit the for-you page!”
Religious holidays are marked by engagement marathons, where believers compete to see who can post the most inspirational content. Confession booths are reimagined as social media cleansing stations:
Believer: “Forgive me, Algorithm, for I have sinned. I shared a meme without fact-checking, and I used Comic Sans unironically.”
PreacherInfluenzia: “Post three humblebrags and recite ten inspirational quotes as penance. May your reach be restored.”
The afterlife is rebranded as The Eternal Feed, a paradise of infinite likes and retweets. However, only those with a lifetime engagement rate above 80% are deemed worthy.
Everyday Life: Romance, Politics, and Faith Collide
All aspects of life intersect under this regime. A romantic dinner could be interrupted by a political scandal breaking on social media. A prayer service could be cancelled because the preacher’s engagement metrics dipped below threshold. Protests break out not for justice, but for the rights of shadowbanned users to regain visibility.
The absurdity reaches its zenith when The Algorithm itself is accused of bias by rival algorithms, triggering a civil war among competing platforms. Meanwhile, citizens are too busy curating their feeds to notice their food has been replaced by photos of food.
