Scene: The Costanza living room.
Frank and Estelle are seated on the couch, TV blaring. The classic Australian show Skippy the Bush Kangaroo is on. George, as always, sits off to the side, arms crossed, radiating disapproval at life in general.
TV Dialogue:
"What's that, Skippy? Someone's trapped in the mine shaft? Quick, boy, lead the way!"
Frank (leaning forward, jabbing a finger at the screen):
"Look at this! A kangaroo—saving people! A kangaroo! Where were the kangaroos when I got stuck in that revolving door at the bank?!"
Estelle (not looking up from her knitting):
"You weren't stuck, Frank. You panicked because the lady behind you had a big dog."
Frank (spins around):
"It was not a dog, Estelle! It was a wolf! A wolf with a grudge against me! And anyway, that’s not the point. Where was Skippy then, huh? Oh no, Skippy’s too busy hopping around in Australia, saving miners!"
George (rolling his eyes):
"Yeah, Dad. I'm sure Skippy would've hopped all the way to Queens just to save you."
Frank (ignoring George, points at the TV again):
"And what's this now? The kangaroo understands English? I don't even trust people who understand English, let alone some oversized rabbit in a pouch!"
Estelle (still knitting):
"Kangaroos don’t have pouches, Frank. That’s the females. This one’s a boy."
Frank (throws up his hands):
"Oh, wonderful! Now you’re the kangaroo expert. Tell me, Estelle, when was the last time you had a conversation with a marsupial?"
George (deadpan):
"Probably more enjoyable than conversations with you."
Frank (spins on George):
"Don’t start with me, George! You couldn’t even save yourself from a parking lot! A kangaroo wouldn’t waste its time on you!"
TV Dialogue:
"Good boy, Skippy! You saved the children!"
Frank (mocking):
"‘Good boy, Skippy.’ Oh sure! Let’s give the kangaroo a medal. You know what, Estelle? If this kangaroo’s so smart, why hasn’t it solved world hunger yet? Why hasn’t it negotiated peace treaties? You think hopping around saving kids is enough? I saved a kid once!"
Estelle (finally looking up):
"You scared off a kid on Halloween because he wore a pirate costume."
Frank (defensive):
"He had a hook for a hand! I thought he was dangerous!"
George (slouching deeper into his chair):
"I’m starting to wish I had a kangaroo to save me—from this conversation."
Frank (ignoring George):
"And you know what else? This kangaroo wouldn’t last a day in New York. You think it could handle rush hour traffic? Ha! I’d like to see Skippy fight for a cab!"
Estelle:
"He’d probably do better than you, Frank. You always argue with the drivers."
Frank (throws up his hands):
"That’s because they’re always wrong, Estelle!"
TV Dialogue:
"Skippy, you’ve done it again!"
Frank (snorts):
"Done it again? What’s he done, hopped into another miracle? Call me when Skippy files his taxes. Then we’ll see how smart he really is!"
George (mutters):
"Yeah, because that’s the benchmark for intelligence—paying taxes."
Frank (stands up, fuming):
"You got something to say, George? Let’s hear it! Or are you too busy dreaming about being saved by some fantasy kangaroo?!"
George:
"You know what, Dad? Maybe I do wish Skippy would save me—from you."
Frank (clapping his hands together):
"Perfect! Why don’t you write to him? ‘Dear Skippy, please come rescue me from my own father.’ And while you’re at it, ask him if he knows how to fix a garbage disposal!"
Estelle (grinning slyly):
"Or a revolving door."
Frank (throws his hands up and storms out):
"That’s it! I’m done! You can all rot here with your kangaroos and your smart mouths!"
Estelle (calling after him):
"Don’t forget to shut the door, Frank. You don’t want the wolf getting in!"
George (shaking his head):
"Skippy’s got nothing on this family."
TV Dialogue:
"And so ends another adventure with Skippy, the bush kangaroo."
