The Costanza Living Room: Flipper Rerun Edition
The familiar theme song of Flipper plays on the old boxy TV as George lounges on the couch, cramming pretzels into his mouth. Estelle is sitting in her recliner, knitting, while Frank sits bolt upright in his chair, glaring at the screen with his usual intensity.
Estelle: (squinting at the screen) “Is this that dolphin show again? Why do they always play this? It’s so old.”
Frank: (snapping) “Because it’s a classic, Estelle! That’s why! Look at that dolphin! A hero! A patriot! The Lassie of the sea!”
George: (muttering) “A dolphin can’t be a patriot, Dad.”
Frank: (pointing aggressively at George) “You don’t know what dolphins are capable of! That dolphin has more sense of duty than most people I know! And you… you’re sitting there like a beached whale, stuffing pretzels into your face!”
Estelle: “Frank, leave him alone! At least he’s not out gambling again.”
Frank: (ignoring her) “Do you see what that dolphin just did? He’s out there rescuing people! Does Flipper whine about his job? Does Flipper sit around complaining that the ocean is too salty? No! Flipper acts! Meanwhile, I’ve got a son who can’t even park a car without hitting a mailbox!”
George: (mouth full of pretzels) “It was a tricky driveway!”
Frank: “Tricky driveway, my foot! Flipper could parallel park a boat with his fins tied behind his back!”
On the TV, Flipper performs a daring rescue, pushing a stranded swimmer to safety. The dramatic music swells.
Frank: “Look at that! Incredible! This is what America needs more of—selfless, determined dolphins! Not like those lazy seals, lounging around on rocks all day!”
Estelle: (rolling her eyes) “Now he’s got a problem with seals.”
Frank: “That’s right, I’ve got a problem with seals! They don’t do anything! Just sit there clapping like they’re at a Broadway show! Flipper would never waste his time clapping!”
George: (trying to get a word in) “Maybe Flipper’s just a show-off. He’s always jumping through hoops and—”
Frank: (exploding) “Don’t you dare insult Flipper! That dolphin has more integrity in his blowhole than you have in your entire body!”
Estelle: (yelling over them) “Will you both shut up? It’s a dolphin, Frank! Not a war hero! Not a firefighter! A fish with a fancy PR team!”
Frank: (eyes bulging) “Fish?! Did you just call a dolphin a FISH?! That’s it! I’m surrounded by ignoramuses! I fought in Korea, Estelle! I know what a mammal is!”
Estelle: “Oh, here we go again! Korea! What does Korea have to do with Flipper?!”
Frank: “Everything, Estelle! Everything! That’s why you wouldn’t understand!”
On the screen, Flipper jumps majestically out of the water, while triumphant music plays.
Frank: (calming slightly, hand on his chest) “Magnificent. Just magnificent. I tell you, if Flipper ran for president, I’d vote for him. Twice.”
George: “You can’t vote twice.”
Frank: (turning on George) “Oh, and now you’re an expert on voting? Maybe if you spent less time lecturing me and more time being productive, you’d have a wife by now!”
George: “Oh, here we go…”
Estelle: “Why does everything come back to him not being married? He’s happy, Frank! Leave him alone!”
Frank: (gesturing wildly at the TV) “He’s not happy, Estelle! Look at him! He’s miserable! The only thing happy in this house is Flipper, and he’s on the TV! That’s the problem! My son could learn a thing or two from that dolphin! Swim out, George! Save somebody! Be useful for once!”
George: “I don’t even know how to swim!”
Frank: (throwing his hands up) “Of course you don’t. Of course you don’t. You’re not even fit to shine Flipper’s flippers.”
The episode ends with Flipper happily chirping as the credits roll.
Estelle: (getting up) “Enough of this nonsense. I’m making tea.”
Frank: (muttering to himself) “Fish, she says. I married a woman who doesn’t know a dolphin from a tuna.”
George: (under his breath) “And he wonders why the neighbours call him the crazy guy…”
Frank: (pointing at George) “I heard that!”
And so, another normal evening in the Costanza household concludes, with Flipper remaining the only entity in the room to escape Frank’s wrath.
