Scene: The PFJ cave. Reg, Judith, and Stan (Loretta) are deep in discussion about the Romans' latest tax on sandal straps when Elon Musk strolls in, wearing a toga that’s somehow lined with carbon fibre. He’s flanked by two robotic automatons carrying scrolls and what appears to be a model of a futuristic aqueduct.
Reg: “Alright, who are you, then?”
Elon: (Grinning smugly) “I’m Elon. I’ve come to revolutionise your revolution.”
Judith: “Our... revolution?”
Elon: “Correct. You see, I’ve studied the Romans extensively, and I think your strategy is outdated. You’re wasting time with pamphlets and slogans. What you need is disruptive innovation.”
Stan/Loretta: “What’s that, then?”
Elon: (Producing a holographic display from a device hidden in his toga) “Glad you asked! Picture this: a self-driving aqueduct. It moves water to wherever it’s most needed, powered entirely by solar energy. We call it the ‘HydroLoop.’ The Romans won’t know what hit them.”
Reg: (Staring blankly) “We’re not trying to improve their aqueducts! We’re trying to destroy them!”
Elon: “Destroy? That’s so... short-sighted. Why destroy when you can out-innovate? Here’s another idea: a hyperloop between Judea and Rome. Travel in a vacuum-sealed pod at 700 miles per hour. That’ll show the Romans who’s boss.”
Judith: “But... we don’t want to travel to Rome. We want the Romans out of Judea!”
Elon: (Unfazed) “Exactly. And what better way to make them leave than to create an alternative city that’s so advanced, so cool, that the Romans feel inferior and retreat in shame?”
Reg: “This is insane.”
Elon: (Ignoring him) “I’m also developing a line of sandals with built-in AI. They’ll map the terrain as you walk and tweet your steps to inspire others to join the movement. We can call them... ‘RevoluShoes.’”
Stan/Loretta: “RevoluShoes? That’s actually kinda catchy.”
Reg: “Oh, for crying out loud! We don’t need bloody AI sandals! We need practical solutions to overthrow an empire!”
Elon: “Practical? Let me show you practical.” (Snaps his fingers. One of the automatons steps forward, unfolds into a small siege engine, and launches a holographic projectile onto the wall that reads, ‘Tesla Siegeworks: Empowering Resistance with Innovation.’)
Judith: “What is that?”
Elon: “It’s a catapult. But not just any catapult. It’s electric. Zero emissions, fully autonomous, and equipped with machine learning to optimise projectile trajectories.”
Reg: “And what’s it powered by?”
Elon: “Batteries, of course. We’ll just need to establish a network of charging stations across Judea.”
Judith: “We can’t even get sandals without being taxed to death. How are we supposed to afford charging stations?”
Elon: “Cryptocurrency.”
Stan/Loretta: “What’s cryptocurrency?”
Elon: “Glad you asked! I’ve just invented a new one: JudeaCoin. Decentralised, backed by the value of local olive oil, and perfectly designed to bypass Roman taxation.”
Reg: (Furious) “We don’t need a bloody cryptocurrency! We need freedom from oppression!”
Elon: “Freedom, you say? That’s why I propose the ultimate solution: we leave this planet altogether.”
Judith: “What?!”
Elon: “Yes! We’ll establish a colony on Mars. Free from Roman rule, free from tyranny. I’m already working on a prototype chariot that’s powered by methane and can survive the Martian atmosphere.”
Reg: “Mars?! You want us to leave Earth to get away from the Romans?”
Elon: “Why not? Think big. Dream bigger. Imagine it: The Judean Mars Colony. We’ll terraform it, build sustainable aqueducts, and make sandals great again.”
Judith: “This is the most absurd thing I’ve ever heard.”
Elon: (Smiling) “Absurd is just a lack of imagination. Anyway, I’ve got a SpaceX galley waiting outside to take us to the prototype colony. Shall we?”
Reg: “No! Get out of here with your nonsense and take your bloody robots with you!”
Elon: (Shrugs) “Your loss. The Romans may have taken your land, but they can’t take your potential. Remember that.” (Turns and strides out, leaving the PFJ utterly dumbfounded.)
Stan/Loretta: “You know, I think he was onto something with those AI sandals...”
Reg: “Oh, shut up, Loretta!”
Cut to: Elon livestreaming himself on Mars, sipping olive oil and tweeting, ‘The Romans won’t oppress me here. #JudeaToTheStars.’
