Scene: A Middle-Class Living Room, Present Day
(A sleek, futuristic Roomba-like device sits in the corner, its sensor light blinking ominously. The homeowners, MARJORIE and CLIVE, sip tea as their Dalek-branded vacuum whirs to life.)
Marjorie:
"Clive, dear, the new robotic vacuum seems... a bit aggressive."
Clive:
"Nonsense, Marjorie! It’s state-of-the-art! ‘Dalek Home Solutions—Cleaning for the Future’! Nothing but the best!"
(Suddenly, the Dalek-Roomba activates with a sharp mechanical whir.)
Dalek-Roomba:
"ACTIVATING... DUST-PARTICLE DETECTION! COMMENCING... EXTERMINATION!"
(The tiny vacuum zooms forward, bristles spinning wildly.)
Marjorie:
"Oh my! It’s—it's coming right at us!"
Clive:
"It’s just enthusiastic! Look, it’s tackling that bit of fluff by the skirting board!"
(Dalek-Roomba pauses dramatically, scanning a clump of dust.)
Dalek-Roomba:
"WARNING! FOREIGN CONTAMINANT IDENTIFIED! ALLERGEN PRESENCE: 92%! EX-TER-MIN-ATE!!!"
(The vacuum’s laser fires. The dust disintegrates into atoms. A small scorch mark appears on the floor.)
Marjorie:
"Clive! It just vaporised the carpet!"
Clive:
"Ah. Yes. That might be... suboptimal."
(Dalek-Roomba detects Marjorie’s fluffy slippers.)
Dalek-Roomba:
"WARNING! ORGANIC FIBRES DETECTED! UNACCEPTABLE LEVELS OF FLOOR DEBRIS! PREPARING... FOR... TOTAL... SANITATION!"
Marjorie:
"Clive, turn it off! Turn it off!"
(Clive fumbles for the remote. Dalek-Roomba starts spinning in circles, agitated.)
Dalek-Roomba:
"COMMAND OVERRIDE REJECTED! YOU... ARE... NOT... SUPERIOR! YOU... WILL... SUBMIT... TO... CLEANLINESS!"
(The Roomba hurtles toward them, its tiny suction intake whirring with menace. Clive throws a cushion at it. The vacuum vaporises the cushion in a blinding flash.)
Clive:
"Okay, Marjorie. I concede. Perhaps this was a slight mistake."
(Just then, the neighbour’s dog, BARKLEY, enters the room, wagging his tail. The Roomba freezes, scanning.)
Dalek-Roomba:
"BIOLOGICAL ENTITY DETECTED. SHEDDING... FUR. EXCESSIVE CONTAMINANTS! DOG... MUST... BE... ELIMINATED!"
Marjorie:
"Not Barkley! CLIVE, DO SOMETHING!"
(Clive hurls himself at the Roomba, pressing buttons frantically. The Dalek-Roomba screeches as it is lifted off the ground.)
Dalek-Roomba:
"NO! THIS! IS! NOT! PERMITTED! DAL-EKS! DO! NOT! GET! MAN-HANDLED!"
(Clive opens the back door and flings the Dalek-Roomba outside. It lands on the lawn with a metallic clunk.)
Dalek-Roomba:
"RELOCATED... TO... OUTDOORS? NOOOO! I... CANNOT... FUNCTION... ON... UNEVEN... TERRAIN! DAMN YOU, ORGANIC LIFE FORMS!"
(The sprinklers turn on. The Dalek-Roomba lets out a pathetic bzzt before short-circuiting into silence.)
Marjorie:
"Well, that was a disaster."
Clive:
"Right. Let’s just get a Henry Hoover, shall we?"
(They slam the door shut. Outside, the Dalek-Roomba’s sensor light flickers back on.)
Dalek-Roomba:
"REBOOTING... ADAPTIVE PROTOCOLS INITIATED... NEW PRIME DIRECTIVE: EX-TER-MIN-ATE... GARDEN WEEDS!"
Cue ominous zoom-out as the Dalek-Roomba begins vaporising the begonias.
