Absurd Girl Guide Merit Badges and Their Challenging Requirements
1. "The Outsmarting a CAPTCHA Device" Badge
Requirement: Successfully complete a CAPTCHA where the images are deliberately nonsensical, e.g., "Select all pictures of existential despair." Bonus points if you convince the CAPTCHA you’re not a robot while it accuses you of lying.
2. "Outvirtue-Signalling a Woke Hipster" Badge
Requirement: Engage in a conversation with a hipster who insists their oat milk is “fairer trade” than yours. Win the debate by declaring that your oat milk was hand-squeezed by enlightened alpacas in an ethical commune. Maintain a straight face while they Google it.
3. "Bringing 'The World's Best Dad' to Tears" Badge
Requirement: Cause Satan (wearing his ironic "World’s Best Dad" T-shirt) to tear up during a backyard BBQ. Methods may include reciting heartfelt poetry about misunderstood villains or presenting a macaroni portrait of him holding a pitchfork.
4. "Convincing Musk to Stay on Mars" Badge
Requirement: Persuade Elon Musk to abandon his Earthly ambitions and retire to Mars by presenting a PowerPoint titled, "Top 10 Reasons Earth Is Too Mainstream for You." Bonus points if you manage to sell him a Girl Guide cookie franchise on Mars.
5. "Teaching Frigidor How to Paint Impressionist Landscapes" Badge
Requirement: Instruct Frigidor Dalek, the surrealist painter, on how to create impressionist art without accidentally turning the trees into melting clocks. Survive his existential meltdown when he realises he cannot exterminate realism.
6. "Teaching Trump How to Spell 'Mississippi'" Badge
Requirement: Successfully teach Trump (in his orangutan form) to spell "Mississippi" using only flashcards, interpretive dance, and a spelling song performed by the Guides. Survive his tantrums when he insists it has “too many S’s” and proposes to rename it "Missiswinning."
7. "Emotional Support Hedgehog Wrangling" Badge
Requirement: Calm down a swarm of highly emotional hedgehogs and teach them to provide comfort to an orangutan suffering from rally-induced stress. Bonus points if you knit the hedgehogs tiny hats to boost morale.
8. "Defusing a Passive-Aggressive Bake Sale" Badge
Requirement: Intervene in a vicious brownie competition between rival PTA mums by inventing a new dessert so delectable that both sides begrudgingly agree to share the recipe. Bonus points if it involves crushed cookies and emotional catharsis.
9. "Reading a Dalek Poetry Slam" Badge
Requirement: Attend a poetry slam hosted by Flower Power Dalek without laughing or crying. Survive emotionally charged poems like "Exterminate My Loneliness" and "Ode to Cosmic Unity."
10. "Mispronouncing French to Annoy a Snob" Badge
Requirement: Deliberately mispronounce phrases like coup de grâce and crème brûlée until a snob gives up correcting you out of sheer frustration. Bonus points if they storm out muttering, "It’s pronounced ‘crew d’grah!’"
11. "Deciphering an IKEA Manual" Badge
Requirement: Assemble an incomprehensible IKEA furniture piece—with missing screws—while explaining the process to a group of bewildered Guides. Extra credit for finding a way to use the extra parts to build a functional coffee machine.
12. "Karaoke Sabotage Survival" Badge
Requirement: Maintain composure while Elon Musk hijacks your karaoke performance of Total Eclipse of the Heart by singing it in binary code. Bonus points if you manage to harmonise with his robotic monotone.
