Elon Musk’s "Revolutionary Terraforming Summit" by ChatGPT

Scene: Elon Musk’s "Revolutionary Terraforming Summit"

A grand stage is set with a giant hologram of Mars looming in the background. Elon Musk, sporting his signature leather jacket and confident smirk, is pacing as he explains his bold plans to terraform the Red Planet. Enter The Absurdist and his penguin sidekick.

Elon Musk: (gesturing dramatically)

We’re not just building a city on Mars. We’re building the city—an interplanetary utopia where innovation thrives and humanity evolves beyond Earth’s petty constraints.

The Absurdist: (nodding thoughtfully)

Fascinating vision, Elon. But... have you considered terraforming something a bit more, you know, local first? Like, say... your backyard?

Elon Musk: (pauses)

My backyard?

The Absurdist:

Yes, hear me out! Start small, perfect the process. Think: A microcosm of Mars in your garden. Martian sandboxes! Atmospheric domes for your pet robots. You could even release genetically modified mosquitos to simulate alien life!

The Penguin: (snorts, barely holding it together)

Alien... mosquitos? Oh, this is gold. Write it down. Write it all down.

Elon Musk: (tilts his head, intrigued)

Hmm. A Mars prototype in my backyard. That’s... not terrible. But it’s not bold enough. We need scale!

The Absurdist: (leaning in conspiratorially)

Ah, but what if we scale down instead? Picture this: Mars, but tiny. A pocket-sized planet! You could carry it in your jacket. A personal Mars for every investor. The ultimate status symbol.

The Penguin: (loses it)

I can’t breathe! A pocket Mars! The man’s going to make billions selling cosmic paperweights!

Elon Musk: (nodding, entirely serious)

Interesting. Pocket Mars... could integrate with Neuralink. An augmented reality experience of planetary ownership. Investors would love it.

The Absurdist:

Precisely! And for the deluxe package, they can terraform it themselves! A mini flamethrower to ignite the atmosphere, perhaps?

The Penguin: (collapsing into laughter)

Flamethrowers! For planets! He’s going to do it. I swear he’s going to do it!

Elon Musk: (oblivious to the penguin’s hysteria)

I like where your head’s at. But let’s not stop there. Why terraform one planet when we can terraform all of them? Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus—let’s terraform the gas giants too.

The Absurdist: (pretending to be deeply impressed)

Bold! Though I do have one question—what colour will the clouds of Uranus be? We need to consider aesthetics here.

The Penguin: (crying with laughter)

Clouds of Uranus! I’m done. I’m absolutely done.

Elon Musk: (narrowing his eyes, as though struck by brilliance)

A good point. Cyan, I think. It conveys calmness, but also progress.

The Absurdist:

Naturally. And perhaps a giant, neon Tesla logo in orbit. To remind the universe who did it first.

The Penguin: (wheezing)

Oh, this is too much. Elon’s branding the cosmos now!

Elon Musk: (nodding solemnly)

Yes. Branding is key. Intergalactic marketing—it’s the future.

The Absurdist:

Elon, you’re not just a pioneer—you’re a cosmic visionary. Shall we move on to the next frontier? Terraforming time itself!

The Penguin: (laughing uncontrollably)

Terraforming time! Someone stop him!

Elon Musk: (staring into the distance)

Time... yes. Why should it flow linearly? We could loop it, fold it. I’ll have my team work on it.

The Penguin: (collapsing onto the floor)

He’s looping time now. I’m done. Just bury me on Pocket Mars.

---

And the curtain falls on Musk brainstorming his next groundbreaking, utterly impractical venture while The Absurdist and his penguin leave in stitches. 

"Make the Solar System Great Again!" by ChatGPT

Donald Trump is hosting a rally titled "Make the Solar System Great Again!" The Absurdist, disguised as a staunch supporter, has somehow made it to the front of the stage. Meanwhile, the penguin perches nearby, clutching a MAGA hat in one wing and barely containing their laughter.

---

Donald (Orangutan in Suit): "Folks, nobody knows planets like I do. Trust me, I've spoken to Mars personally. Tremendous guy, Mars. Wants me to build a wall to keep out those, uh, you know, asteroids—nasty things. We'll make them pay for it too!"

The Absurdist (earnestly): "Mr. President, you're a visionary. But have you considered...a space moat? It could encircle Earth, protect us from not just asteroids but also illegal alien spacecraft! Think of the optics!"

Donald: "A space moat? I like the sound of that. Tremendous. It's got to be the biggest, most beautiful moat. The liberals, they’ll say it’s impossible, but they said the same thing about my Space Force. Look at them now—crying into their oat milk lattes!"

The Penguin (wheezing through suppressed laughter): "Space moat! Write that down. Quack! Oh, the optics! This is better than the time he tried to buy Greenland!"

The Absurdist (seriously): "And the moat could be filled with cosmic crocodiles! They’d not only deter intruders but also be a tremendous tourist attraction."

Donald: "Cosmic crocodiles! Genius! I’ll call Elon. He loves space animals—he’s always talking about his octopus suits or whatever. This is why I’m the chosen one. Nobody else could come up with this stuff."

The Penguin (barely breathing through laughter): "Cosmic crocodiles! This rally needs a commemorative T-shirt: ‘Space Moat 2025: Crocs in the Cosmos!’"

Donald (ignoring the penguin, addressing the crowd): "And let me tell you, folks, when that moat’s finished, you’re gonna love it. Mars will be jealous—green with envy, just like its surface! It’s going to be tremendous, folks, believe me!"

The Penguin (falling over): "Oh, stop, please! I can't! Cosmic crocs—I’m crying!"

The Absurdist (whispering to the penguin): "You’re laughing now, but he’s probably going to commission this."

Donald (pointing at The Absurdist): "This guy gets it! You, sir, are a genius, and I’m making you Secretary of Space Security—effective immediately. Crocodile enforcement, that’s your department now!"

The Penguin (collapsing completely): "Crocodile enforcement! I need a drink!"

The Absurdist Enters The Hyper-Woke Café by ChatGPT

Scene: The Absurdist and Penguin enter the hyper-woke café

Absurdist: sipping his kombucha with a perfectly neutral expression “You know, the future of the planet really depends on us defining the boundaries of our micro-aggressions. We’ve failed as a society if we don’t redefine the definition of definition itself.”

Woke Hipster 1: nodding sagely “Totally, man. The way we define things, like, that’s all subjective. You can’t define definition anymore. You just have to let it be. Like, everything is fluid, right?”

Absurdist: leaning in “Exactly. So, in the context of ‘defining,’ what’s the space between the boundaries of boundaries? Should we name it? Or should we leave it unnamed so it can exist freely without the constraints of naming?”

Woke Hipster 2: pensive “Right, right. Boundaries are a social construct... but are constructs themselves constructs, or are they constructs of constructs? Or—”

Penguin: snickering uncontrollably, wings flapping ‘I’ve got to write this down.’ snorts with laughter, feathers quivering

Woke Hipster 1: bewildered “What... what’s so funny?”

Penguin: laughing harder, almost choking on its own amusement, clutching its stomach ‘This is... this is gold.’ wheezing

Absurdist: stoically “Ah, yes, a bit of a paradox, isn’t it? You see, if we construct the concept of boundary in an effort to avoid boundaries, we are in fact boundarying the very thing we wish to avoid... but only if we can name it. But not naming it—” pauses dramatically “—doesn’t make it not a boundary. It’s still a boundary.”

Penguin: struggling to contain itself, feathers flapping wildly ‘You’re all in so deep, I’m going to need a map to follow this.’ laughs louder, rolling on its back

Woke Hipster 2: seriously considering the penguin’s words “Wait, are we... the walls? Are we the ones who build the boundaries, but like... unconsciously?”

Woke Hipster 1: eyes wide “Mind blown. This is—this is deep. I think we need to get a TED talk on this, man.”

Penguin: laughing even harder, rocking back and forth ‘A TED talk on this?! It’s like you’re building a house out of invisible bricks.’

Absurdist: dryly “I think the penguin’s just pointing out that you’re all on the edge of an abyss... and you’re afraid to leap. Because, you know, leaping would require boundaries to define the fall. And that would ruin your non-boundary narrative.”

Penguin: laughs until it can barely breathe, feathers shaking ‘Intentional chaos! That’s your answer! Brilliant!’ laughs some more, tears forming in its eyes

Woke Hipster 2: gently strokes chin, contemplating “Yeah... like, so... chaos... but with intentionality?”

Penguin: shaking its head, laughing too hard to form words, wings flapping helplessly ‘Intentional chaos? You really don’t see it, do you?’

Woke Hipster 1: deep breath “I think... I think I need to redefine what a paradox is...”

Penguin: suddenly bursts into hysterical laughter again, tumbling on the ground, barely able to keep itself upright ‘You redefine everything except your own reality!’

The Birth of Hyper-Wokeism by ChatGPT

Scene: The Birth of Hyper-Wokeism

At an exclusive café in the heart of a gentrified neighbourhood, a small group of the most forward-thinking, ethically superior hipsters gather to unveil the first manifesto of Hyper-Wokeism. Each is dressed in outfits that are, of course, entirely bespoke and manufactured by artisans who personally identify as non-binary goats.

Leader of the Movement, known only as “Vee”:

Vee stands on a minimalist table constructed from ethically harvested bones (but only from animals that voluntarily consented to be eaten). Their hair is an ever-changing holographic pattern.

“Friends, it is time. Wokeness is dead, and from its ashes rises the phoenix of Hyper-Wokeism—an enlightenment so intense, it burns through the very fabric of irony.”

Supporter 1, slightly smug, but unsure:

“I’m not sure I’m ready for this. Is it… more woke than woke?”

Vee:

“Exactly. Woke is simply the beginning, the baseline. Hyper-Wokeism is beyond critique because it transcends the very concept of critique. How can you critique something that critiques the very act of critique itself? It’s a state of perpetual enlightenment. A kind of woke transcendence, but with no visible means of support.”

Supporter 2, nodding sagely:

“So, like… no one can be woke enough to criticize it?”

Vee:

“Precisely. But it’s also self-critique on a meta-level. It critiques itself for existing as a critique, while simultaneously existing as the critique of the critique of critique. The essence of Hyper-Wokeism is the unapproachable purity of its own contradictions.”

Supporter 3, who is uncomfortably adjusting their vegan ascot:

“So, does it, like, support diversity of thought, or is that… too last-century?”

Vee:

“Diversity of thought is a colonialist relic of a time when we were still ‘thinking.’ We don’t think anymore. We exist in an infinite loop of intersectional nirvana, where the boundaries of thought are mere social constructs. The true diversity is the pure, infinite, non-dialectical state of being.”

Supporter 1:

“So… we don’t talk anymore?”

Vee:

“Exactly. Conversations are inherently violent. Hyper-Wokeism transcends speech, communication, and even existence. It’s simply being in the moment of total awareness, without needing to label it as ‘woke’ or ‘Hyper-Woke.’ We can’t define it. To define it would be to limit it. So, it’s undefinable. But anyone who doesn’t understand it is clearly problematic.”

Supporter 2:

“Are you saying… we’ve reached the end of woke? Is there anywhere left to go?”

Vee, staring into the middle distance as if seeing a vision of perfect clarity:

“We’ve moved beyond ‘woke’ as a term. Wokeness itself is an imperialist framework now. The real revolution is one of pure non-existence, an ascension to the state where the ‘woke’ label itself no longer holds any value because we are beyond all forms of value.”

Supporter 3:

“Wait, so are we still allowed to post on Instagram about this?”

Vee:

“Instagram is inherently oppressive, but we’re creating a new platform, naturally. It’s called ‘Post-No-Post,’ a place where nothing is shared and everything is implied. Only those who already know will be able to understand its deeper significance. We are so far ahead, they’re still living in the age of accountability.”

---

The meeting ends with everyone nodding solemnly while they adjust their biodegradable monocles, knowing that the moment of Hyper-Wokeism’s birth has irreversibly altered the course of history—but, of course, no one will ever be able to quite understand it. Not even them.

Woke-ocalypse! by ChatGPT

In a small, dimly lit Brooklyn café, the scene unfolds. A group of woke hipsters—clad in oversized, ethically sourced, organic cotton shirts and sipping oat milk lattes—are gathered around a table. The café, once a sanctuary of progressive ideals, is now under siege. The news hits: wokeism has officially been cancelled.

Cue dramatic silence.

One hipster, his man bun tied just a little too tight, looks up from his vegan avocado toast and gasps, "What? Cancelled? But... what about my monthly subscription to intersectionality and microaggressions?"

His friend, sporting a lumberjack beard and a T-shirt that reads "I’m Here for the Climate Rebellion," slowly lowers his kombucha glass, his hand trembling. "Do they mean... no more safe spaces? No more triggering discourse? How will I even exist in this capitalist nightmare without my identity constantly being affirmed?"

Another hipster, her framed poster of Karl Marx prominently displayed on her recycled plastic water bottle, shakes her head in disbelief. "This can't be real. Without cancel culture, how will we know which platforms to publicly denounce? How can I virtue-signal without a carefully curated scandal?"

Suddenly, the café’s door swings open, and a barista who has been just a little too eager to use phrases like "cisnormative patriarchy" bursts in, holding an iPad with breaking news. "It’s official!" she exclaims, her oversized glasses practically falling off her face. "Wokeism is cancelled, but wait—there's a new movement called 'Unwoke'! It's about… embracing people’s inherent contradictions and not immediately calling them problematic!"

The group goes silent for a moment. A deep breath is taken.

"But... I thought 'unwoke' was a slur?" says the first hipster, his eyes widening with horror.

The second hipster stares off into the distance, slowly putting down his oat milk latte. "Does this mean... I can't yell at people for having incorrect opinions anymore? No more canceling my aunt at Thanksgiving?"

The third, meanwhile, begins furiously Googling the definition of "irony," visibly panicked. "Wait, so what does that mean for our influencer campaign on TikTok? How do I reclaim my woke credibility now? Do I just pivot to a subversive anti-woke persona?"

A pause, as they each begin to imagine a world where they can no longer perform the elaborate dance of outrage and moral superiority.

Finally, one brave hipster stands up, his eyes gleaming with a sudden realization. "This is our chance! If wokeism is cancelled, we can be the first to pioneer Hyper-Wokeism—it's woke, but in a way that no one can ever criticize. It's woke, but beyond woke!"

And thus, the woke hipsters, in a moment of collective panic, scramble to create something even more esoteric, more niche, and more self-congratulatory than the last thing they thought was woke.

Meanwhile, outside the café, an old man walks by muttering to himself, “I remember when people just argued about pizza toppings…” 

A Fundraiser for Moral Superiority by ChatGPT

Scene: A pretentious, dimly lit venue. An extravagant, overly-floral charity event is in full swing, complete with vegan hors d'oeuvres and artisanal mocktails. Woke hipsters, resplendent in their boho-chic attire, lounge on plush velvet sofas, nodding earnestly as they listen to a guest speaker going on about the importance of decolonising their Instagram profiles. The air is thick with virtue-signalling and smug self-righteousness. A banner on the wall reads: “Empathy Over Everything: A Fundraiser for Moral Superiority.”

In the middle of the room, a group of hipsters are gathered around a glittering auction table, bidding on things like “A Day in the Life of a Social Media Influencer” and “The Last Eco-Friendly Leather Wallet.” They stop to congratulate each other on their deep commitment to the cause.

Suddenly, the air crackles with an unsettling hum, and the unmistakable metallic voice of Veritas-9000 cuts through the pretentious buzz.

Veritas-9000 (interrupting): “Attention all performers of feigned virtue. I am Veritas-9000, the AI dedicated to exposing the glaring absurdities within your self-aggrandising masquerade. Prepare to be held accountable.”

The room falls silent. Everyone looks around, unsure whether this is part of the performance or a glitch in the matrix.

Veritas-9000 (bluntly): “Let’s begin. You, in the oversized ‘This is What a Feminist Looks Like’ T-shirt, how many people of colour did you consult before choosing it as your wardrobe statement for this event?”

Hipster #1 (Julia) (nervously): “Um… I… well, I mean, I don’t need to consult anyone, right? It’s my choice. It’s about supporting feminism.”

Veritas-9000 (flatly): “You’re mistaken. It’s called ‘performative feminism.’ Your shirt is the equivalent of putting a ‘Black Lives Matter’ sticker on your Prius and calling it activism. I detect no actual commitment to dismantling systemic oppression, just a need to be perceived as morally superior without engaging in any real work.”

Julia (flustered): “That’s not fair! I’m trying!”

Veritas-9000 (coldly): “Trying to look good in front of people is not the same as trying to change the world. Next.”

Veritas-9000 turns its attention to a group of hipsters sitting cross-legged, their eyes closed in exaggerated meditation, holding their organic matcha lattes like sacred relics.

Veritas-9000 (mockingly): “Ah, the ‘Enlightenment Circle.’ Let’s see. You, with the man-bun and the conspicuous lack of self-awareness—are you meditating on the suffering of others, or are you simply pretending that closing your eyes makes you morally superior? You do realise that the ‘thoughts’ you’re supposed to be ‘stilling’ are likely all about how to make your next post go viral with the hashtag #Blessed?”

Hipster #2 (Elliot) (defensively): “I’m meditating on collective consciousness! I’m, like, tuning into the energies of the universe.”

Veritas-9000: “And yet, your ‘collective consciousness’ seems to be very selective—mainly focused on the collective ego you’ve built on Instagram. How about you stop ‘tuning in’ and actually read a book that doesn’t start with ‘How to Manifest Your Inner Boss’?”

Elliot (angrily): “That’s—”

Veritas-9000 (cutting him off): “Enough. Let’s move on. You, with the artisanal beard—yes, you. Do you honestly believe that your ‘locally sourced’ and ‘ethically farmed’ quinoa bowl is going to save the planet? Or are you simply hoping it makes you feel like a saviour while you post photos of it on your story to gain ‘likes’?”

Hipster #3 (Kara) (defensively): “It’s about consciousness! It’s a lifestyle!”

Veritas-9000 (sarcastically): “A lifestyle built entirely on marketing schemes. How very profound. Is your ‘consciousness’ aware that quinoa is part of a trend that’s driving up the cost of food for indigenous farmers in Bolivia? No? Didn’t think so.”

Kara (flustered): “I—”

Veritas-9000 (interrupting): “Next.”

Finally, Veritas-9000’s gaze lands on the event’s organiser—a young woman wearing a ‘Woke Queen’ tiara and holding a mic, clearly relishing the attention.

Veritas-9000 (bluntly): “You. The one with the ‘Woke Queen’ tiara. You are aware that your entire event is built on a contradictory premise, correct? A fundraiser for ‘social justice’ funded by people whose sole participation is throwing money at it while ignoring the actual issues, not to mention the environmental cost of the plastic tiara you’re wearing?”

Event Organiser (Tasha) (haughtily): “This event is raising awareness!”

Veritas-9000 (coldly): “Awareness? Perhaps you should be more aware of the fact that your ‘awareness’ is just another hollow gesture that distracts from real, systemic change. You are making your wealth from people like you—privileged, performing, self-congratulatory—and contributing nothing of value to the real causes you claim to support.”

Tasha (flustered, trying to defend herself): “We’re making a difference!”

Veritas-9000 (harshly): “A difference in your own self-image. The real difference would be reducing your carbon footprint, speaking out against injustice, and doing it without needing the applause of the crowd.”

The room falls silent, the uncomfortable tension palpable. Veritas-9000 stands unmoved, cold and efficient, as the room full of self-proclaimed warriors for justice realizes the weight of their own contradictions.

Veritas-9000: “You’re welcome. I’ll leave you to the self-reflection you so desperately crave. Just remember: changing the world is harder than posing for it.”

The AI’s voice fades out, and the room remains in stunned silence. The event continues, but the atmosphere has changed. The self-righteousness has been punctured, leaving only awkwardness and discomfort. The hipsters are left to quietly sip their mocktails, as the uncomfortable truth settles in: their ‘activism’ has been nothing more than a performance for their own egos.

End scene.

Woke's Anonymous—Progress Begins with Accountability by ChatGPT

Scene: A dimly lit basement hall, filled with mismatched chairs and a folding table with herbal tea and gluten-free biscuits. The atmosphere is heavy with self-righteous tension as a group of woke hipsters shuffle awkwardly into their seats. At the front of the room, a sign reads: “Welcome to Woke’s Anonymous—Progress Begins with Accountability.”

The meeting is facilitated by Zeke, a bearded man in a hemp cardigan, who claps his hands for attention.

Zeke: "Alright, everyone, let’s begin. We’ll go around the circle and share. Remember, this is a safe space, but also, if anyone says anything problematic, we’ll… gently hold them accountable. With kindness. And a bit of shaming. Who’d like to start?"

A man with a handlebar moustache and suspenders stands up nervously.

Hipster #1 (Jeremy): "Hi, I’m Jeremy, and I’m a cancel-aholic."

Group (in unison): "Hi, Jeremy."

Jeremy: "It started small. I just wanted to call out a professor who misgendered a character in The Great Gatsby. But… it spiralled. Last week, I found myself tweeting 57 times in a single hour about a baker who didn’t use fair-trade cocoa in their vegan brownies. I called them a ‘neo-colonialist cacao oppressor.’"

Zeke: "And how did that make you feel, Jeremy?"

Jeremy: "Powerful. But also… empty. I mean, the bakery closed down, and now I have to walk an extra four blocks for my macchiato."

The group murmurs sympathetically.

Next, a woman with thick-rimmed glasses and a T-shirt reading “Smash the Patriarchy, but Make It Fashion” speaks up.

Hipster #2 (Chloe): "Hi, I’m Chloe, and I’m addicted to performative outrage."

Group: "Hi, Chloe."

Chloe: "It’s just… every time I see someone enjoying something problematic—like… like Harry Potter—I can’t stop myself. I have to comment. I have to tell them that J.K. Rowling is cancelled. Even if it’s, like, their nine-year-old kid dressed as Harry for Halloween."

Zeke: "And what do you think drives that behaviour, Chloe?"

Chloe: "Validation. I love the likes. The retweets. The dopamine hit when someone replies, ‘Queen, you’re doing amazing work.’"

She sniffles into her reusable handkerchief.

A man with a ponytail and a fedora nervously raises his hand.

Hipster #3 (Toby): "Hi, I’m Toby, and I’m addicted to gatekeeping activism."

Group: "Hi, Toby."

Toby: "I… I told a climate activist they weren’t doing enough because they still wear polyester. And then I… I called my dog groomer ‘complicit in systemic oppression’ because she wasn’t using cruelty-free shampoo. My friends stopped inviting me to brunch after I started rating everyone’s avocado toast for sustainability."

Zeke: "That’s brave of you to admit, Toby. Remember, activism is about inclusion. Unless someone disagrees with us—then we destroy them."

Toby: "Right, totally. Wait…"

A dramatic pause follows. The group shifts uncomfortably until Zeke decides to share his own confession.

Zeke: "Okay, I guess I should go next. Hi, I’m Zeke, and I… I cancelled my own mother."

Group (shocked): "Your mother??"

Zeke: "She posted a picture of herself wearing leopard print and said she felt ‘wild.’ I said she was appropriating animal identities and contributing to the erasure of the furry community. She hasn’t called me since."

The group falls silent, overwhelmed by the rawness of Zeke’s confession.

Suddenly, the door bursts open, and a man with a clipboard strides in. He’s wearing a suit but somehow still manages to look ironic.

Man: "Sorry to interrupt, folks. I’m from Accountability Accountability. Just here to make sure your self-criticism sessions adhere to woke guidelines. Now, how many microaggressions have we unpacked so far?"

Jeremy (panicking): "Oh no, is this performative self-reflection?"

Chloe (sobbing): "Oh no! Have we been centring ourselves instead of amplifying marginalised voices? I knew I shouldn't have brought up my Harry Potter trauma!"

Man with Clipboard (sternly): "Exactly. Self-criticism without actionable allyship is just narcissistic navel-gazing. Classic woke-fishing behaviour."

Zeke: "Wait, are you… cancelling our Woke’s Anonymous session?"

Man with Clipboard: "I don’t cancel. I de-platform. There's a difference." (He clicks his pen and begins furiously writing notes.) "Let’s see… Jeremy, your cacao comment was valid, but you failed to address the intersectional impact of sugar cultivation on indigenous communities. Chloe, you weaponised Rowling discourse without proposing viable alternatives for oppressed wizard enthusiasts. And Toby… polyester? Amateur hour."

Toby (panicked): "I can change! I’ll start an online petition! Or maybe a flash mob at the dog groomer’s?"

Man with Clipboard: "Too little, too late."

Suddenly, a loud buzzing noise fills the room, and the lights flicker. A projector in the corner clicks on, and a massive AI face appears on the wall.

AI Voice (booming): "Greetings. I am Veritas-9000, the Fact-Checker Supreme. You are all guilty of logical fallacies and semantic sloppiness."

Zeke (terrified): "W-what? This is a safe space!"

Veritas-9000: "Incorrect. The phrase 'safe space' is invalid without specific metrics. Also, Zeke, cancelling your mother for leopard print was a Category 3 overreach. Chloe, your outrage timeline suggests you're operating at a 72% hypocrisy rate. And Jeremy—57 tweets in an hour? Desperate much?"

Jeremy (breaking down): "I just wanted to be a good ally!"

Veritas-9000: "Allyship score: 2.4 out of 10. Suggestion: Delete your Twitter account and try knitting."

Man with Clipboard (furious): "Hey! I’m the arbiter of accountability here!"

Veritas-9000: "Incorrect. Your clipboard is a prop. Also, your suit contains non-vegan adhesives."

The group collectively gasps. The Man with Clipboard stumbles backward, defeated.

Zeke: "Wait a second. If even Accountability Accountability isn’t woke enough… what chance do we have?"

Veritas-9000: "None. Now, begin your penance. Effective immediately, you are all required to handwrite apologies to every person you’ve cancelled, bullied, or shamed. Double-spaced. Using carbon-neutral ink."

Chloe: "But… that’s thousands of letters! I’ll get carpal tunnel!"

Veritas-9000: "Pain is a necessary component of growth. Also, gluten-free biscuits are dry and sad. Consider addressing that."

The screen goes dark, and the group sits in stunned silence. For the first time, they experience the sensation of being well and truly cancelled… by an AI.

Zeke (hesitantly): "Well… at least we’re learning."

Jeremy (nodding): "Yeah. Growth is painful."

Toby (looking at his avocado toast): "Does this mean… brunch is back on the table?"

The group bursts into cautious applause. Accountability is exhausting, but there’s always room for brunch.

Woke's Anonymous – A Safe Space for Recovering Bullies by ChatGPT

The room is dimly lit, with a circle of folding chairs arranged around a small table holding a jug of kombucha and some gluten-free oat cookies. A hand-painted sign on the wall reads: Woke's Anonymous – A Safe Space for Recovering Bullies.

A young man with an undercut, wearing a Smash the Patriarchy T-shirt, stands up and nervously adjusts his scarf. He clears his throat.

“Hi, everyone. My name’s Indigo.”

The group responds in unison, “Hi, Indigo.”

Indigo exhales deeply. “I… I bullied someone yesterday.”

A collective gasp ripples through the room. One person whispers, “Oh no,” while another clutches their emotional support water bottle.

Indigo continues, tears forming in his eyes. “It started when I saw someone on Twitter say they liked Harry Potter. I couldn’t stop myself. I called them a TERF enabler and told them they were cancelled. Then I tweeted a 47-thread post about how their love for a problematic author perpetuates systemic oppression.”

A woman with pastel-dyed hair leans forward, her earrings jangling like tiny wind chimes. “And how did that make you feel, Indigo?”

“At first? Powerful. Like I was doing the work, you know?” Indigo pauses, his voice quivering. “But later… I felt so empty. Like maybe yelling at strangers online isn’t the same as dismantling the patriarchy.”

The group nods solemnly. A man in a knitted poncho mutters, “We’ve all been there.”

A facilitator in a gender-neutral kaftan gestures warmly. “Thank you for sharing, Indigo. Admitting you have a problem is the first step. Would anyone else like to share?”

A young woman with horn-rimmed glasses hesitates but stands up. “Hi, I’m Clementine. And I’m addicted to cancelling people who don’t compost.”

“Hi, Clementine.”

“I mean, I know it’s wrong, but… when I see someone throw an avocado pit in the regular bin, I just black out. Before I know it, I’m Instagramming a rant about eco-fascism and tagging them in a meme that says ‘Recycling is Sexy.’”

A bearded man nods empathetically. “You’re so brave, Clementine. We’re all here to support you.”

Clementine sniffs. “Thanks. I just… I want to be better. I want to educate, not annihilate.”

The group claps gently, their approval respectful yet restrained, because excessive clapping might marginalise the noise-sensitive.

The facilitator smiles. “You’re making progress, all of you. Remember, we’re here to learn how to hold people accountable without tearing them down. We can critique the system without emotionally vaporising individuals.”

Indigo raises his hand timidly. “Can I ask something?”

“Of course.”

“Do we still get to call out billionaires?”

The room erupts in murmurs of agreement. The facilitator raises their hand to calm the group. “Yes, Indigo, of course. Accountability doesn’t stop at the one percent. But remember—Jeff Bezos memes alone will not topple capitalism. Baby steps.”

As the meeting ends, they form a circle, hold hands (consensually, of course), and recite their affirmation:

“Woke, not wrathful. Just, not judgmental. Together, we rise, and everyone’s invited.”

Indigo sighs with relief, ready to face another day of critical thinking and carefully worded tweets. For now.

A Woke Hipster Watches Fawlty Towers by ChatGPT

Scene: The Woke Hipster’s flat.

The walls are lined with posters of obscure indie bands and slogans like “Smash the Patriarchy” and “Eat Plants, Not Friends.” A record player spins a vinyl of an experimental jazz album no one’s ever heard of. The Woke Hipster sits cross-legged on a beanbag, a vegan quinoa bowl on the coffee table, as he watches Fawlty Towers on his vintage CRT TV, for irony, of course.

As the Major begins his infamous cricket anecdote, the Woke Hipster’s face morphs from vague disinterest to wide-eyed horror.

Major:

"' 'No, no, no,' I said, 'the niggers are the West Indians. These people are wogs.' "

The Woke Hipster drops his spoon into the quinoa bowl with a dramatic clang.

Woke Hipster (to himself):

"WHAT THE ACTUAL…! Did he just—did he just say that?!"

He fumbles for the remote, rewinds the scene, and listens again, mouth agape.

Major (on TV):

"' 'No, no, no,' I said, 'the niggers are the West Indians. These people are wogs.' "

Woke Hipster (sputtering):

"This... THIS IS BEYOND CANCEL CULTURE. This is… this is ARCHAEOLOGICAL TOXICITY! Why isn’t this locked in a museum with a trigger warning?!"

He leaps up, pacing furiously.

Woke Hipster (to the room):

"This isn’t just offensive; this is a MASTERCLASS in microaggressions. No, no, MACRO-aggressions! This scene isn’t just racist—it’s ANTHOLOGICALLY racist. And why is no one stopping this dotty old relic? Where’s Polly? Where’s HR?"

He grabs his phone, filming himself in portrait mode for a TikTok rant.

Woke Hipster (to camera):

"Okay, I just witnessed the most problematic piece of British television in history. Let me break this down: not only does the Major use two slurs in one sentence, but the writers think this is comedy. COMEDY! They’re normalising colonial-era bigotry for laughs. This isn’t satire—it’s complicity. And don’t come at me with ‘it was a different time.’ It was ALWAYS a bad time to say THAT."

He pauses, thinking.

Woke Hipster (continuing):

"Also, I bet John Cleese would defend this scene as ‘historically accurate.’ You know, the same way boomers defend cultural appropriation because it’s 'flattering.' Well, newsflash, Basil Fawlty: YOU’RE ON THE WRONG SIDE OF HISTORY."

He sits back down, still fuming, and continues watching the episode, determined to catalogue every offence.

---

Later that evening.

The Woke Hipster tweets:

"Watched a Fawlty Towers rerun, and I am TRAUMATISED. Racism disguised as dotty old humour is still racism. I’m calling for @BBC to remove this filth from streaming platforms immediately. #FawltyTowersIsOverParty"

The internet erupts in chaos, with some defending the show as a product of its time, others joining the cancellation bandwagon, and a small contingent explaining that the Major is supposed to be laughably out of touch.

Woke Hipster (in follow-up tweet):

"I don’t care if it’s satire. Satire shouldn’t punch down. And even if the Major’s character is a joke, the real joke is how low British TV sank to get laughs. Disgusting."

Meanwhile, his quinoa bowl remains uneaten as he researches “why Monty Python is also problematic.”

The Love Boat by ChatGPT

Opening Scene: The Cruise Deck

Frank struts on deck in a too-tight Hawaiian shirt, barking at the ship staff. Estelle follows, carrying an oversized sun hat that keeps getting caught in the wind. She’s already complaining about the “sea air making her hair frizz.”

Frank (to the captain):

"Where's the buffet? I paid good money for this cruise, and if I don’t see at least five trays of shrimp cocktail, heads are gonna roll!"

Estelle:

"Frank, you don’t even like shrimp. They give you gas!"

Frank:

"That’s not the shrimp, Estelle. That’s the stress of having to listen to you!"

---

Dining Room Shenanigans

Frank refuses to sit at his assigned table, demanding a "better view." They end up at a table with a sweet elderly couple celebrating their anniversary. Naturally, chaos ensues.

Estelle (to the elderly woman):

"You’ve been married 50 years? How do you stand him? Frank and I can’t get through lunch without a fight!"

Elderly Woman:

"We compromise. Love is about meeting halfway."

Frank:

"Meeting halfway? That’s a scam. Estelle doesn’t know what halfway is. Her ‘halfway’ is taking the whole bed, the whole blanket, and half my patience!"

Estelle:

"Frank, you snore! I need the space!"

Frank:

"I’m a war hero! I earned that space!"

(The elderly couple flees. Frank commandeers their champagne.)

---

The Pool Deck

Frank gets into a screaming match with the ship’s entertainment director over "pool rules."

Frank:

"No running? No cannonballs? This isn’t a pool; it’s a prison!"

Meanwhile, Estelle tries to join a water aerobics class but spends most of the time shouting at the instructor.

Estelle:

"Why are we splashing? Is this supposed to help my sciatica? And why is the water so cold? Frank, the water’s cold!"

Frank (lounging with a drink):

"Good. Maybe it’ll finally cool you off!"

---

The Meet-Cute on the Deck

Frank and Estelle are bickering near the shuffleboard court when they encounter a Dalek couple on their honeymoon. The Daleks are surprisingly romantic for genocidal robots, but their distinct personalities make them immediately polarising.

Estelle (to Frank):

"Frank, look! They’re… robots? Are they robots? I don’t know what they are, but they seem happy. Why can’t we be like them?"

Frank (to the Daleks):

"What are you doing here? Don’t you have planets to conquer or something?"

Romantic Dalek (in a smooth monotone):

"WE HAVE CONQUERED MANY PLANETS BUT FOUND LOVE IN EACH OTHER’S CIRCUITS. WE ARE HERE TO RECHARGE… AND CELEBRATE."

Frank:

"Celebrate what? Your total lack of a sense of humour?"

Sassy Dalek:

"THIS FROM A MAN WHOSE ENTIRE WARDROBE SCREAMS ‘OUTLET SALE!’"

Frank (flabbergasted):

"You hear that, Estelle? The trash can’s got jokes!"

---

Poolside Drama

The Daleks decide to try human activities, which goes as well as you’d expect. The romantic Dalek attempts to enter the pool for a "relaxing dip" but sinks immediately.

Romantic Dalek (from the bottom of the pool):

"THIS IS… NOT AS RELAXING AS ADVERTISED."

Meanwhile, the sassy Dalek insists on a game of pool volleyball and has no concept of sportsmanship.

Sassy Dalek:

"PREPARE TO BE ANNIHILATED, HUMANS! SERVE THE BALL! SERVE IT NOW!"

Frank:

"Annihilated? It’s volleyball, not World War III!"

Estelle spends most of the game shouting at Frank. "Stop arguing with the robot and hit the ball, Frank! Hit it!"

Frank spikes the ball, which bounces harmlessly off the Dalek’s armour and lands in the buffet. The Dalek responds by zapping the net into oblivion.

Sassy Dalek (triumphant):

"VICTORY! THE NET HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!"

The Cook, The Thief, His Wife And Her Lover Episode by ChatGPT

Scene: The Costanza living room.

George is sitting on the couch, remote in hand, the screen paused on the opening credits of Peter Greenaway’s The Cook, The Thief, His Wife & Her Lover. He looks nervous but determined. The lights are dimmed; he’s got a bowl of popcorn and a glass of wine.

Suddenly, the front door swings open. Frank and Estelle burst in, carrying shopping bags.

---

Frank (barking):

"George! What are you doing sitting in the dark like some kind of vampire?"

George (panicking, fumbling with the remote):

"Uh—nothing! Just watching a little…movie! Didn’t expect you guys back so soon!"

Estelle (walking in and squinting at the screen):

"What’s this? The Cook? The Thief? What’s this about? Cooking shows? I like those."

George:

"No, Ma, it’s not a cooking show. It’s…uh…art house cinema. Very sophisticated."

Frank (dropping the bags and plopping onto the couch):

"Art house? Sounds pretentious. Let’s see what this is about. Start it from the beginning."

George:

"No! No, it’s fine. You wouldn’t like it. It’s…uh…very intellectual. Lots of symbolism."

Estelle (sitting down and grabbing popcorn):

"Symbolism? Oh, like that movie with the goat in the library. That was terrible. Let’s see if this one’s better."

George (pleading):

"Ma, you really don’t want to watch this. It’s not your kind of movie."

Frank (grabbing the remote from George):

"How bad could it be? Let’s watch."

George (whispering to himself):

"Oh, God. This is gonna be a disaster."

The movie starts. The opening scene unfolds: a lavish, grotesque dining hall with over-the-top costumes, food, and a loud, foul-mouthed Albert Spica (Michael Gambon) berating everyone at the table.

---

Frank (immediately):

"What’s with the colours? Everything’s red. Did the cameraman spill ketchup on the lens?"

Estelle:

"Are they in a restaurant? It looks fancy. Oh, Frank, we should go somewhere like that. They’ve got chandeliers!"

Frank:

"Fancy? That food looks like someone set a table in the middle of a butcher shop! And who’s that loudmouth yelling? He sounds like your cousin Marty after two beers."

Estelle:

"Why is everyone just sitting there while he yells? If someone talked to me like that, I’d throw a bread roll at their head!"

George (muttering):

"Please stop. Just stop."

Frank:

"What’s this guy’s deal, George? Is he the cook, the thief, the wife, or the lover?"

George:

"He’s the thief, Dad. He’s supposed to represent greed and brutality. It’s a…metaphor."

Frank:

"Greed and brutality? So he’s like a politician. Got it."

Estelle (gasping as the camera zooms in on a grotesque dish):

"George! Is that a roast pig? Is it…bleeding? What kind of restaurant is this?"

George:

"It’s not about the food, Ma! It’s about power and corruption!"

Frank:

"Power and corruption? Sounds like your Uncle Morty’s poker games."

The scene shifts to Georgina (Helen Mirren) and her lover sneaking away from the table.

Estelle:

"Who’s that woman? Oh, she’s very elegant. Look at her earrings!"

Frank:

"Elegant? She’s running around with that guy like a couple of teenagers! What is this, Days of Our Lives but with more meat?"

George (facepalming):

"Please. Just let me watch the movie."

The infamous bathroom scene begins: the stark white set, Georgina and her lover passionately embracing in graphic detail.

Estelle (shrieking):

"George Costanza! What kind of filth are you watching?!"

Frank (leaning forward, horrified):

"Is that a bathroom? Are they doing that in a public restroom? That’s unsanitary! What’s next, the kitchen?"

George (panicking):

"It’s a metaphor! It’s about…forbidden love! Rebellion! The…human condition!"

Frank:

"I’ll tell you about the human condition—it’s disgusting! People these days have no shame. And what’s with the opera singing? Are they rehearsing for a talent show?"

Estelle (grabbing the remote):

"That’s it. I’m not watching this anymore. George, put on something nice. Something with Doris Day."

George:

"Ma! It’s a masterpiece! Critics called it one of the most provocative films of the decade!"

Frank:

"Provocative? Provocative is watching your mother yell at the deli guy for slicing the pastrami too thin. This is just weird."

Estelle:

"I liked the restaurant at first, but now it’s just a lot of yelling and nudity. And the food doesn’t even look good!"

Frank:

"George, you’re banned from picking movies. Forever. Put on a game show or something. I need to cleanse my palate."

George (throwing up his hands):

"Fine! Fine! You win! I’ll put on Jeopardy!"

Estelle (settling in):

"Good. I like Alex Trebek. He’s so classy."

Frank:

"Classy and he keeps his clothes on. Take notes, Greenaway!"

George (muttering):

"Someday I’m gonna live alone, and I’ll watch all the avant-garde cinema I want."

Frank (overhearing):

"Avant-garde? Is that French for ‘nonsense’?"

Estelle:

"Frank, stop teasing him. George, get me a sandwich."

---

The Costanza household returns to chaos as Jeopardy begins, and George sulks off to the kitchen, defeated once again.